Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Gemma's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
2:57 pm	today i feel scared. i woke up feeling scared, and i cant seem to shake it. and i cant work out why. maybe its because my social contact today has been 3 very short conversations. maybe its because of the dreams i had last night involving curry, empty warehouses and other things i wouldnt like to say. because they left me waking up feeling very confused. maybe its because i came to the library to write something then realised im not so sure that i can. maybe its because somewhere in my confused head iv started to make some kind of decision, or maybe its because i havent. all i know is that i got up and dressed head to toe in yellow, as much as a person can dress head to toe in yellow without making the huge error of going to the library in a yellow shell suit. then id have reason to be scared. anyway the point is that things involving yellow = depression. this was worrying. the thing is though, last night at work, even though i was physically exhasted, i felt more my old happy self than i have for a long time, especially in cardiff. given the week, i thought that was pretty good going. i was so happy that none of those basterd customers would buy me any drinks. but it was ok cos some mentalist had left an almost full bottle of rose on the table. woop woo! ta very much love, i was well away. mixed with a bit of lucozade and i was on another planet. not sure as to why it effected me quite so much but i became unable to serve any customers and instead ran up and down with their drinks in my hands singing my own songs for a change. up yours stinking customers! drink up you...dammit i cant remember. hip hip hop hip hop anonymous will have to do for now. i feel like nothing can shock me anymore, i wouldnt be surprised if a gibbon flew across the ceiling, i think it would just make me happy. like the fairy that flew away and left the stone man with his huge wings and tiny willy in her place. i hope she came back at the witching hour last night, but sadly i have no time to check today, and tomorrow the stone man have taken her place again. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
5:13 pm	i feel really really ungrateful now. for having a life where the biggest thing ive had to worry about so far today is having to do a bit of revision. for fucks sake, sort it out. it really isnt the end of world if a fail a few exams, there are definately worse things that have and could happen. anyway im sure il find a way of getting it done sooner or later. just not today, but thats ok, just wish i hadnt wasted the last 3 hrs of my life doing nothing except stare at the walls. and i am glad i went to uni, really glad, its what i needed to do, not to get a degree, just for life. i would never be on the track to becoming a trapeze artist if i hadnt been to the hippy commune after all. im just ready to leave now, but this is a good thing, because i am leaving in a few months. so i should really stop moaning, get on with it and enjoy the last couple of months of an easy life, which is what i intend to do. yes yes yes. as the wise old bromwell once said, 10% of exams is simply positivity. i can do that. hell yeh! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:49 pm	what the fuck am i even doing at uni anyway? two and a half years i have wasted pissing about doing some degree i have no interest in. and its making me angry and its making me upset. and i want to leave now, right now becuase i dont want to do it anymore. but thats even more of a waste. this stupid fucking degree has no use to me, as soon as i finish this joke of a life i wont even remember i have it. do you need a degree to have a baby, run away with the circus and own a medieval pub? no, im pretty sure it will make no difference at all. and if id been working full time for the past two and a half years id be much further on the way to doing what i wanted, than now, when im no where. wasting my time. the happiest i remember being this year was during the summer exams but i cant understand why. when revsising makes me so so angry. because its such an unproductive waste of time, especially when you have no interest in what your reading about. dont get me wrong, i love uni and theres so many things i wouldnt have done and so many amazing people that i wouldnt have met but can that really justify doing something for three years for no good reason at all except for the fact that its the direction that society pushes you in. i guess its just an excuse not to join the real world, but i dont want an excuse anymore. im the only person in the world that is excited about leaving uni and i know that ill hate it when i have to get up at 8 every morning i do some pointless job that il have even less interest in than psychology. and i know that ill miss the days when i could sleep in til lunch, watch neighbours then doss about all afternoon pretending to be doing a degree. but at least theyll be a point to it, at least il be getting closer to something i want to do instead of further away. actually this is all because i dont want to do any revision, because i have better things to do with my time, like sit and play with connor. but i have so much to do, that if i had any hope of reading everything id have to sit constantly day and night from now until next christmas. im such a fucking idiot, what am i doing? i want to give up so much that i dont no what to do. i hate psychology and everything it fucking represents. hate hate hate hate. this hasnt made me feel any better at all, just distracted me further. this is such a fucking joke. jokers. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 10th, 2006
2:07 pm	woo woo woo i feel happy today and generally excited about life and xmas. woke up this morning thinking it was xmas day. its probably just in comparison to how i felt yesterday morning, wondering around the park in tears still wearing my pyjamas. oh dear really who does this. only someone as mentalist as me or gobbit 3. i think il give sams birthday a miss next year, it always ends in tears. in all honesty im not expecting an invite, even though apparamuly it is the biggest night of my life. and i wasnt ready for it. shame. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 8th, 2006
5:06 pm	Oh my god this is procastination at its best. I have just read through the last year of my life exactly to the day and I have become an emotional mess in the library. Well it is true, if you think through the last year of your life and it doesn't make you cry then it has been a waste of a year. Glad mine wasn't wasted, even if I have just wasted the last 2 hrs. I really need to go home or do some work. Sort it out hobbit. This time last year (well in a couple of hrs) I was being thrown out and banned from the union then cried to the boy all the way home, dressed as a fireman. Oh dear, I hope this evening is more sucessful. (Comment on this)
4:40 pm	I'm really very angry at the moment for such a small, hobbit sized person but I'm not sure why. I'm angry at the world and I have been since last night. This is strange because the world has been treating me very kindly as of lately. Love Actually was randomly put on ITV at the exact moment that I wanted to watch it. My 9 o'clock lecture was cancelled the first time I ever slept through my alarm this year. Really, what more could you ask for in life? Apparamuly its not enough for me anymore, i think maybe it will take something more along the lines of...I can't even think of anything, my first idea was 'you have won a holdiday!' oh no too late, I am already going on holiday. How selfish. Even the computer is behaving itself for me today, im not going to pretend that I'm using it for anything more than this and face book, well i have opened up a journal so that other people in the library think im doing something productive with my life and become very jealous of me. HA fooled them, losers. Even angry at the poor innocent people of the library. One of them wasn't so innocent however, kept looking over and spying at my computer, soon got rid of him alright. I've taken to running in the dark, it seems to help, I'm just waiting for the right moment then I'l be gone. That sounds a bit sinister, I mean gone from the library. I even got angry at Bronzell because he was trying to buy me a xmas present, poor boy, don't know why he puts up with it. OI RUSSELL you noticed the effort I'm making with punctuation, spelling and grammar eh? its all for you. See I still do have a small once of kindness left in my cold and withering heart. What I need is a BIG OLD DRINK. A bottle of hock will do nicely. Current Mood: Ungrateful Current Music: BANG BANG BANG (Comment on this)
4:23 pm	working today? (Comment on this)
Monday, November 13th, 2006
5:11 pm	when morris discovered the diff yeah! finally i can write in this box again. what happened between planet earth and my bed? sunday everything was fine. we were having a planet earth party. dressed as a white tiger and a monkey with the tigger and morris in toe we scour the shops of cathays in search of african food. after hours of unsucessful searching through shops which we discovered had no cultural diversity we returned with hungry hippos. nothing had changed except it seemed, that on the stairs, i had misplaced my personality. but it was fine, sleep would sort it out. apparamuly tho that wasn't an option. the next morning i couldnt get out of bed, not even to use the toilet, and whats worse i had lost the ability to communicate. all i could do was pretend to be asleep to hide the tears that had no reason to be there in the first place. then finally after been ignored all morning and concluding that i was in fact a psychopath, the boy got up to leave. that was it, i lost control and turned to a complete emotional mess. the only explanation i could give was that i was upset about the death of the elephant the night before, surprisingly he saw through it. the boy saved me. if it wasnt for him id still be in bed now. but instead we took morris to the park and photographed him swinging from trees and climbing on logs. all i needed was to laugh then good things started happening. i am now almost a normal person again. tomorow i am learning how to be a trapeze artist so that i can run away to the circus with morris. Current Mood: nearly there Current Music: library noise (Comment on this)
4:41 pm	does this thing work yet? (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
9:28 pm	i miss boo so much,  i think maybe i relied on him more than everyone else, whenever i came home or woke up in an empty house it didnt matter cos boo would be here. and now he's not. i could just off load my problems onto to him and it was ok cos he couldnt judge, well he had to keep his judgements to himself anyway. hmm maybe its better if i actually start talking to real people. i keep expecting to see his little doggy face on the landing, then i remember him lying in a cage not knowing he was about to die. i want him to come back. this is all a little bit over dramatic for a dog but he was a member of our famiy afterall, despite what the smelly vet thought. saying i need to learn how to deal with death, are people not allowed to be upset anymore? (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 5th, 2006
12:06 pm	i suddenly feel completely free. and even though im happy sitting here in my pyjamas and i dont want to go anywhere right now, its just amazing to have that feeling that, if i wanted to, which i dont, i could. infact im apreciating some time alone, its been a while and i claim to not need it, which i dont, but when it happens its nice. as long as it doesnt happen too often mind. im having a very productive day. i turned down a rave, one of my life long ambitions after having a baby, because today im happier on my own sorting my life out. i wouldnt want to be anywhere else in the world right now. other than on my own in my house wearing my pjs. but i love it when i remember, that actually nothings stopping me from doing whatever i want, thanks to little rich and his mate dancing maniac matt. obviously everyone has responsibilities and the like. and when you get into the routine of whatever it is that you do you forget that you always have options. if i wanted to i could climb onto the roof naked and sing the weetabix song whilst doing a rain dance, but the fact is that right now i dont really want to. maybe i will tomorow. i feel very lucky at the moment. maybe its because i have a spandangaly new trolloping cat that is the size of a small house. if that cant bring a person luck then really theres no hope. but really its because people keep doing nice things for me, jus for no reason. and sometimes they dont even know that there doing it. but it means a lot to me, and im not grateful about many things, but i am for that. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
11:54 pm	i have jus read through my last year of entries to check that it was rich proof. and it was. really who does that at 1 in the morning? there are so many memories that i have forgotten about, little things that arnt important, but that made me so happy at the time. if i can live for another hundred years it will be for the sole reason that i want to be alive when they disocver how to relive memories. it must be the next step from dvd surely. even the bad memories, not all of them, some of them i wish i never had to think about again, but maybe just the ones i havent learnt from. what a waste, to have a perfect moment, that makes the world make sense. then a year later not to even remember it. maybe its the only way to move on, otherwise you'd be stuck in the past and miss out on making the new memories. still if you could pick 5 favourites then that would be ace. one year ago i found 'alright grandad' the funiest thing in the world but now i have no idea what it means. alright grandad? what the hell does it mean. to remember the last moment you spent with someone, but then you'd probably jus be angry that you hadnt apreciated it more. this time a year ago everything was so different. imagine whats going to change in the next year. not too much i hope, i quite like how things are going... Current Mood: hungry for WEETABIX Current Music: same (Comment on this)
10:04 pm	its been a while, it really has. today has been a happy day, although now i'm a bit lonely. the house has been ful of people all weekend, its been brilliant and tiring and i ahven't had much time to myself but thats how i like it. but now everyones left. its ok tho cos now im talking to my good friend little rich! LITTLE RICH this entry is dedicated to you. perfect timing. thank you. yesterday i laughed to myself o the train, hysterical laughter. oh how iv missed it. it is the best thing in the world to laugh out loud at yourself and your own hilarity. how could you ever be happier? but then i thought how i would be the happiest person in the world if that man was wearing crazy odd socks. but he wasnt. hold up nearly fell of the bed laughing at richs face, actually it was him comic timing. enough of this dedication, stupid boy keeps interupting my train of thought. well i have a nephew yeah! an he's the most amazing little baby connor in the world! and also i have changed my image to slightly resemble a pirate, well not yet but very soon. a wise old man once said: why are pirates called pirates? because they arrr! thank you thats great. i miss my little hobbits so much. and you too russell, im coming back to the diff to see u week after next, so u best be there for a drink or 10. ok im not coming specifically to see u as such, but would be nice to catch up if your around? what else? today im excited about life. Current Mood: hysterical laughter filled Current Music: frere roche soundtrack (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
5:18 pm	its definately not may i want that feeling back, when you're so happy you might just explode, when you're excited just about being alive, about waking up in the morning, when you have so much energy you could run a marathon. one hundred times over.  its been hiding for while, maybe behind the clouds, or the text books. who knows. but there both going away soon so i think it will be back. i hope so. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
7:24 pm	gobrots on tour its snowing outside, its snowing like it might never stop. this place is mad. i havent yet managed to leave the house today though so it hasnt made a whole lot of difference to me. GOD DAMN YOU CAFFEINE PILLS. stealing all my energy. oh my god i cant even see out the window now. i dont think going out is even remotely possible anymore. i have been completely cut off from polite society, well it was only a matter of time. the only time i ever write in this thing is when i need distraction from an essay...well i wanted to write something about amsterdam but i seem to have lost all inspiration. actually i just cant take my eyes of the snow, tempted to go out and play...not feeling very crazy today though, infact all i have done is watch the o.c. last night was the cocktail party. we had a dance off and the boys got naked, completely naked, with happy bday written on their ass with permenant marker. well we never made it hitching. we got to dover on a biddy bus after been thrown out of the petrol station for intimidating the lorry drivers... thier was no love for us in europe tho so we were forced to get the train, got drunk, met a mentalist and travelled in a harry potter carriage, much better than hitching. had the last ever mushrooms experiance. sat inside a giant carrot/ castle. became very fat. hobbit claws off joes jumper and hoards it as we sit in our woodland animal family. joes hand nearly squashes me and gobrot. experinace a lot of orange, and watch as hobbit sleeps on the wall as we lie on the ceiling. hobbit tries to clime inside a painting. amd she claims she was normal. the elvis costume gets involved. watch a video of hobbits arm again and again and then again. and laugh. i laughed until i literally couldnt laugh anymore because i had used up every last shred of energy just laughing. if laughter is good for the soul then were all going straight to heaven. it was all going so well, then i had to go and take a caffeine overdose. 36 cups of coffee, who does that? just completely ignore the instructions because i obviously know better. ITS OVER BETWEEN ME AND THE ENERGY DRINKS. OVER. i was sick for about 20 hrs i think until there was nothing left to sick up except some nasty green stomache bile, so that came out too. all over the hotel floor. and the airport. i would never ever had made it home without the boy. cant actually put into words how grateful i was. ive never been so happy to sit in bed with some marmite toast with 'hallelujah' on repeat. whatever works for you really. normal is defiantely the way forward. no more drugs, no more caffeine, no more alcohol. its over. and i mean it this time. i dont ever want to feel like that again. Current Mood: ok Current Music: chicago-if you leave me now (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
11:12 pm	apparamuly i got drunk on my own tonight...but i feel better than  hav all day. infact this is the first time all day that i feel ok, and like myself again, and ready well for anything really. i do have somewhere to go...but i seem to be delaying getting there, im not sure why. maybe im a little scared about turning up on my own, it s my second home but ive been mising for a little while...i feel ready to embrace it again though. its been a strange weekend, ive not been feling quite right. it was good to get away, even it if did jus rain and rain and rain a bit more, and i was a little disappointed by the lack of skinny dipping due to previosly mentioned rain, but i feel nakedness on the train made up for that again. im not sure why i feel the need to have naked time at least once a day recently. the man waiting for the toilet was not impressed oh no. i felt very wierd last night. i cant put into words how i felt, but i didnt like it, it scared me. i was very close to running away, just running anywhere, but instead i woke up the boy and made him stay awake until i could fall asleep so the wierdness could go away. and it did, but i felt pretty bad that he most probably failed his exam because i kept him up all night. very selfish. but it made me feel better when he said that makig sure i was ok was more mportant than passing his exam. i really should go out..i seem to be quite drunk on someones elses vodka. sort it out hobbit. Current Mood: just like me Current Music: the zutons (Comment on this)
Friday, March 3rd, 2006
5:33 pm	well its been a while.. things have been pretty up and down recently and for no good reason, because if you think about it, everything is perfect, well almost. and theres lots of things that are making me smile... im having a nephew yeeeeeeaaaaah! i haven't been that excited in a long time. a little part of it still makes me sad, but im mostly just excited. and on sunday im going shopping for baby clothes which is quite possibly my favourite thing to buy in the world. i want a baby. apparamuly my body thinks its having one, and is rejecting alcolhol of all varieties. this upsets me when there is a free bar waiting for us in a few hours. 2 hrs i tell you to  force down half a bottle of wine, and a rejected vodka. not happy about that. last night me and the boy soberly thought it was a good idea to climb to the very top of the union building. we got kitted out in matching biffa outfits and filled a beer bottle with tap water, just for the hardcore effect, then set off on an adventure to stand on top of the world. ignoring sign reading 'danger of death: radio transmitters' and 'always wear a safety harness', we made it to the top unharmed and had the most amazing view of the whole of cardiff by moonlight. sooner or later im having sex on top of that buliding and no one can stop me, even if just for the banter. i farted in front of the boy for the first time. even woke him up to tell him about it. this makes me happy if not slightly embarrassed. infact i may have been so embarrassed that i couldnt go back to sleep again. but i feel its a step in the right direction. i dont think ive ever felt comfortable enough to do that in front anyone that isnt part of the gobbit or actual family. i miss home at the moment. and i miss the ashover crew. but im pretty damn excited about next week and the foreseeable future for that matter. homecooked meal with my favourite manager, bowling with the homeless folk, hitchhiking to amsterdam. i get scared when everythings working out, that its all going to fall apart. but really i should just start apreciating it all. Current Mood: tired Current Music: music to watch rat boy by (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
7:57 pm	you smell...like a pig well i dont appear to have much love for this live journal malarky at the moment. maybe because i have nothing to say for myself. or maybe because i just dont have enough time to say it. but the crazy kids have pissed off to the cinema, and seeing as the jokers at ntl had made me an angry hobbit,  thought it best not to leave the house for a little while. i also felt it not right to betray my beloved place of work and actually pay money to see a film at ugc. and its nice to have some time. well we went to alton towers. we get the hippo bed. joe gets stuck in the slide. he remains where he is until someone comes to rescue him. we get drunk on wine and champagne. some bright spark suggests drunken anarchy and so we break into to outdoor pool. naked flume riding follows. we get caught and walk in shame back to reception to be greeted with pointing and laughter. there they are. we run riot around the hotel in questionable clothing. ride the spinball whizzer seven times. hobbit tells george that he smells...like a pig.  today is national good looking day. not quite sure what that means. but it aint half been a productive day. hell yeh. Current Music: some quality tunes that hobbit is downloading (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
12:51 am	tuesday day of hate fucking live journal of hate. deleted my god foresaken entry, and it was a deep and meaningful one. well it can fuck right off. those words can only be written once i feel. ah well i think it may have helped me to write it down, and maybe best if no one can read it. been acting like enough of a mentalist recently. its been one of those tuesdays, but its ok because its really over, infact did somebody say that its februrary? im still not quite right, but i feel a hell of a lot better. sometimes you just need someone to walk through the door, and they dont even need to say anything, its just the company at the right moment, and occasionally a trip to spar. a wise hobbit once said: its days like today, when i dont no what id do without you.  a game or two of 'girls in love' never goes amiss either. Current Mood: almost better Current Music: arcade fire on repeat whatever gets u through the day (Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
2:47 am	Ninja 2 You're my blood. You're my life. Keep it Black Magic.   (Comment on this)